Dear Pastor,

It has come to our attention that a number of things you do in your “off time” are unbecoming of a minister of our denomination. In the past several weeks, we have received reports that you have been seen with:1

  • Prostitutes
  • Thieves
  • Pan Handlers
  • Drug Users
  • Drunks/Drinking Yourself
  • Eating Gluttonously

In addition to your activities, we have noticed a sharp decline in your sermons. Our congregants want to know who you think they should vote for, and what sort of stance you take on the current war on Christianity vis-a-vis the legalization of same-sex marriage. Your refusal to talk about these topics is disconcerting.

Pastor, we all have temptations, but leading a flock like ours means you have to abstain from yours. As if your current company weren’t enough, we’ve also been receiving reports that you have:

  • Eaten dinner with more than one prostitute.
  • Told Elder Peter to “put away his gun”.
  • Quite socialistically made a little boy share his food with all those hungry people that didn’t think far enough ahead to bring their own.

Pastor, we are a certain type of congregation here. We don’t believe God wants us to give all of our hard earned money and time away to just anyone. They must at least be in attendance at the fellowship weekly, and joining in with their tithes and offerings.

Which brings us to our final point, Pastor.

We have been checking the financials, and noticed that you’ve never given a dime in the church offering. Pastor, that is where we draw the line. We can tolerate your liberal attitudes about things like violence and sex, but if you can’t be counted on to obey the word of God and bring your tithes into the storehouse, well then, Pastor we are left with no alternative.

As of today, you are dismissed from Pastoring this church. We hope that you find something more suited to the style of faith you want to live. We will be praying for your soul.



Board of Elders, First Church of America